If you dread an uncomfortable conversation with an employee, new research will put you a little more at ease.
Some conversations are worse than others. Marketing researchers at Fractl found these subjects make managers the most nervous:
- negotiating a raise
- handling a difficult personality
- addressing a lack of accountability, and
- apologizing for a mistake.
Even though these are conversations leaders dread, employees are equally uncomfortable – and may even go out of their way to make it easier on you!
Mentally prepare for conversations leaders dread
Whether you have to talk money, personal hygiene, a bad attitude or poor work, avoid turning it into a win-lose situation.
“Approaching a tough conversation with a combative mentality … is a common mistake that often results in neither party feeling satisfied,” says Fractl’s Kerry Jones in the research she published in the Harvard Business Review.
Instead, you can try this framework when facing conversations you dread:
‘What’s up?’
Tell your side of the situation. Give exact incidents and details.
Then ask the employee to explain how he or she sees it. Examples:
- “Bob, I need to share something with you privately, and with sensitivity. You may not realize it, but it appears you have a body odor issue. By 10, it’s strong enough to be a workplace disruption. Is there a problem I should know more about?”
- “Sue, in the meeting, you rolled your eyes, interrupted us and questioned my research in front of the VP. What are some underlying concerns you have?”
‘What’s so?’
Gather more facts and get rid of any emotional charge that might seep into the conversation. Talk about how the situation affects you, colleagues, performance or image. Examples:
- “Bob, I’ve addressed this with other employees before, and they usually aren’t aware that the problem affects their colleagues’ ability to focus and be productive. How do you see it affecting others?”
- “Sue, your behavior undermines my authority and the interruptions cause everyone to lose focus. What effects do you see that having on the project?”
‘What’s possible?’
Discuss possible solutions or alternatives to the situation. Offer yours, and ask for the employee’s.
- “Bob, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but I want to suggest some solutions, including breaks to freshen up. Are there some ways you suggest we take care of it?”
- “Sue, I’d like you to hold back on criticism until you have two alternative solutions to the ideas you want to critique. What else would you like to try to curb disruptive behaviors?”
‘Let’s Go’
Both you and the employee need to commit to taking action and accountability for the results of the uncomfortable conversation (that, by now, should be bearable).
Agree to actions and expectations.
- “Bob, going forward, you’ll take a break in the morning and afternoon to freshen up. I’ll arrange to have a fan put in your office. Does that work for you?”
- “Sue, before our meetings, you’ll email issues you have with progress, and I’ll either address them ahead of time, or if they’re valid points everyone should consider, we’ll bring them to the table. Do you agree to try this?”
Practice
This is probably the most dreaded advice on having conversations leaders dread: You need to practice — and not with your cat. As a leader, the best practice is having the actual, necessary uncomfortable conversations.
“One of those human skills that we need to practice is how to have uncomfortable conversations,” says Simon Sinek in his YouTube series. “Being uncomfortable is part of being human. And sometimes discomfort is caused by something we have with another person. Whether professionally or personally, there is a tension that causes discomfort.”
So, have those conversations, and use each as building block for the next. And be honest about the discomfort, Sinek suggests: Tell the other person, “I need to have an uncomfortable conversation. And I’m afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing and it could make things worse. So please be patient with me.”
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