Why do we all hate feedback? Not just giving it, but receiving it, too?
For one, it’s uncomfortable on both ends, especially when someone in the conversation is struggling with performance and behavior.
And while we’ve given plenty of advice on how managers and other leaders can give more effective feedback, we’ll focus on getting better at receiving feedback and criticism in this story.
Learning to Not Hate Feedback
Researchers Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone, who had their work published in the Harvard Business Review, say their studies indicate most of us don’t know how to accept and use feedback wisely.
And when you think about it, when you receive feedback, you’re in control of how effective it is.
The sender can deliver the best message ever put together, but if you aren’t open to the message, it might as well be in a foreign language.
So how do you set yourself up to field feedback and use it to your advantage?
Know the ‘Triggers’
First, consider the three main barriers to receiving feedback. Once you know what they are, you can more easily remove them.
Those barriers — better know as “triggers” because they cause us to shut down and/or put up defenses that act as walls between you and the person giving feedback– include:
- Truth triggers are set off by the content of the feedback. When an assessment or advice seems off base or simply untrue, we tend to get angry. Instead of digging for the truth or working at getting a clarification of the message, we shut down — and shut out the message and the messenger.
- Relationship triggers are tripped by the person providing the feedback. It usually doesn’t matter what the message is; you’d probably reject it just because of who’s delivering the message. You might feel the person isn’t qualified to give the feedback. Or you think the person never really has appreciated our efforts: It’s just part of a pattern of negative responses. Or maybe we just plain don’t like the person giving the feedback.
- Identity triggers are all about your relationship with yourself. Feedback that’s less than adoring might throw off your sense of who you are. You see yourself as someone who works hard and does a good job. When the feedback message strays from any perception of yourself, you might ignore it.
Solutions to Rejection
All these responses are natural and reasonable – and often unavoidable.
The solution is to overcome the triggers and get the most out of the feedback itself.
To do that, try these strategies:
- Know your triggers. Take another look at the three triggers above. You likely have one. Get familiar with it. Learn to recognize when that trigger is pulled — and figure out ways to stop putting up the walls that shut out what you need to hear.
- Ask for it. Part of the problem with feedback is that we’re unprepared for it and we don’t control it. So request it – and frame the request in a way that’s comfortable for you. Example: “I think I could have done a little bit better job on the Jones account. Can you give me some ideas for improvement?”
- Dig in. Sometimes feedback is vague. And that leaves more room for false judgement and dismissal. So before you decide to take, leave or resent feedback, ask more questions to clarify. For instance, ask, “When you say I tend to do X, what do you mean?” “Please give me examples of when I’ve done that and how I might have better reacted.” Or “What were your expectations when I fell short?”
- Get it in small bites. The old “How am I doing?” question opens the door to a flood of criticism, and no one enjoys that. Focus the feedback on a small area, as part of your request. Example: “What’s one thing I could have done better to improve my work on the Jones account?”
- Get a variety. You may have serious doubts about someone’s opinion or the advice you’re getting. Get more of it — from different people. That way, you can see if patterns develop about any feedback or criticism you get. Example: If three people tell you that you don’t return messages promptly, that’s a pretty good indicator you need to work on that part of your job.